Losing my Religion

Wednesday, August 18th

No! I'm not! I think?!?!

Well, that's the sermon topic for the month "Losing my religion". I for sure can relate and feel as if I am 100% sinking into that topic of Losing my religion. I found myself saying to God the other day "show yourself!" and "Gimme a sign God!". Okay so it was more like "SHOW YOURSELF!!!!" and "GIMME A STINKIN' SIGN GOD!" but either way that's what I said.

So that's probably not the best way to start off my first post after month and months of being away from my blog. But it is, what it is! Seems like every time I get on I have about a million and one things I want to write about and so much has happened since time has gone by! Such as the last time I had posted about my group (Dothan moms through meet-up.com) we had maybe 150 members and were searching for sponsors. We now have 211 members and have so many sponsors I had to start turning people away cause I can't keep up. We were also contacted by Phillip-Morris that offered to sponsor us for a 6 month period. I obviously didn't pass that up! We also now have 4 organizers and officially (just recently) gave up on trying to be every where at once! I just can't do it anymore. Thankfully the group is kinda taking off on it's owe now. I see occasional by other members of the group and I am seeing more involvement at a lot of the meet-ups.....Thank God!

Sunday, August 22nd

I lose thought....
It's Sunday and the house is quiet. Brent took the boys and headed to church and I clipped coupons, cleaned the bathroom, mopped the floors and did a load of laundry. I occasionally peered out the window at the blue sky wishing it was Fall already so that I could open all the windows in the house and feel a cool breeze.

Losing my Religion....
My Grand father died the day before yesterday. The next morning I looked out my kitchen window and seriously asked for a sign that everything is going to be okay. Yes, I'm a sign ask-er for-er. I don't know if my grand father excepted Jesus. I know that he is an amazing man with a loving heart. I know that he excepted me for myself and all my mistakes and flaws when other didn't. I saw my Grandpa a week and a half ago. We got word that he would not make it much longer. He wasn't sick! Just old and tired and his frail body just couldn't go on. So my brother to whom I have only seen 3 times in 10 years flew in from Las Vegas with his 6 year old son. Him, my parents and Brent the boys and I drove four hours over there not knowing what state we would find my Grand father in. He was not well and maybe seventy pounds or so. Yet for some reason he still looked so tall and strong as I sat and stared at him. In the few moments we were able to grab his attention in and out of being awake and asleep I had touched the side of his face so that he'd look at me and I leaned in closely only to tell him "I love you, Grandaddy!".He then said "I love you too." In and soft quiet voice. I was then okay....

I'm not angry about the house, just angry with no results.....
In between the months of not posting quite a bit has happened. My husband got a Raise or I should say he was promoted a GS level. I am so proud of him. So proud that I sometimes sit back and smile just thinking about him and how incredible he is. I wish that I told him more often. I hope he knows. Maybe I'll write him a letter stating that if I don't ever tell him that much that he needs to know that there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about how truly lucky I am.
We also decided we are going to buy our first house. This is an amazing thing and a wee bit crazy! We already lost out on one house we wanted and we walked around saying that there had to be a reason. We only lost out because the other people offered cash. I do understand that! We have now decided to buy a foreclosure. It is without a doubt the most perfect house! So, so perfect! except dealing with Freddie Mac and seeing first hand the incompetence of our government and our tax payers dollars! We came to an agreement on price pretty quickly but as of this coming up Wednesday it'll be three stinkin' weeks and we still don't have our contract! We have locked in our rates which is good but I keep saying to myself that I'd be okay if we had a contract. I don't care if it takes us forty years to get into the house....I just want a contract. I also know that my anger does nothing but harm and annoy myself. No one else! Just me!

Not in control....
Again between my last post and now my father was diagnosed with Cancer. Or I should say a Cancerous tumor (and small other spots). Sounds so confusing and vague....huh?!?! Yup! That's how I feel. Three weeks ago my father had surgery to cut out the tumor and some suspicious sides around it. A week went by and he was suppose to get his results back and they told him that they had sent it to the VA hospital in Washington for a second, third and fourth opinion. Then another week went by and still no results and now he is suppose to call Monday to see if they have the results so that he can keep his appointment on Tuesday. So we know nothing, have nothing and have not heard anything. As posted above---> I'm not angry about the house, just angry with no results! Even when we were turned down for the first house I was okay. I was sad but I was okay. It's been so long that I am okay with not getting this one either. Again I would be super sad and even probably more so than how sad I was losing the first. But, I say to myself that I'd rather have my father by my side and rent a shack then not have my father here at all and own an incredibly beautiful house! Yes, I know God sees all and God hears all! I know that it's okay for me to pray for a house and a decision and for my father at the same time. But, I have yet to do that. I have yet to pray for a house...the house! I'm okay with that! Please God let my dad be okay!

Struggling....
Yes, I know I'm hurting right now. I literally feel as if my heart is in my stomach. I also know that this to shall pass. I know that God hears my prayers and tomorrow is a new day. I know that it's okay to be sad and I know that eventually things will work themselves on out. I know that there are people struggling way worse than me and they know no God to talk to. They have no Religion to lose....

My sign was a yellow butterfly....
Crazy or not my sign was a yellow butterfly that flew in my sight as I looked out the window the other morning. Yeah, it probably was nothing but a random butterfly flying past. But, I like to think it was my sign that everything is going to be okay and that my Grand father is okay. So, I'm going with it! It's my butterfly....my answer.

Tomorrow....
Tomorrow I think I am going to stay home and make some macaroni art work with the boys