Wednesday, June 17, 2009

My heart aches!

So I posted or should I say copied and pasted the "Say my name" post that my friend had e-mailed me. I have mentioned a few times here that I love to blog hop and so does she. But, she usually finds her blogs that she follows through other blogs. I hit the next blog, next blog, next blog key. I usually will stop at blogs that make me laugh or ones that involve couponing or maybe some photography. My friend has the ability to find people that are in dire need of prayers. I am strong and loud mouthed and I don't necessarily find myself to be a cryer but I for sure can't follow the blogs she does. I seriously would be crying everyday! I don't know if I just feel as if I don't read it then it's not really happening or what?!?! I do know that I am one of those people that lets things consume them! I keep up with Joshua mostly because it's my friends real close friend but doesn't change the fact it still hurts. Geez! Three years old and cancer! She has sent over a few more blogs to view and some I have and some I haven't due to the fact I would be crying all day. I did take a peek at this one though. I guess I felt a little more connected to her because she had a son. I didn't know how he died though. I'm not sure if you jumped on there to see the whole name thing. But, for two days now I have been trying to think of some witty way to spell out his name in memory of him.....edge of consumption! I watched the video of him on u-tube and it gave me a stomach ache. So young and so vibrant. I sat and cried and cried...alot! Of course Memphis wanted to watch the video of "the big boy" he called him and asked me why I was crying. I don't usually hold things back from him because it always gives us an opportunity to talk about Jesus. Even if he is only three you have to start some where. I explained that he had passed away and went to heaven. He then asked if the angels walked him there....because I have been listening to the Alan Jackson "Sissy's Song" in the car often. I said to him "well maybe?!?!" He then asked me if I thought he was playing with our dog named "Maka" that died and went to heaven. Again I could only say maybe but I sure bet that he is having some kind of amazing time being there in heaven where everything is so glorious! I'm a good talker but Lord knows that if it were to happen to me I really don't know what I'd do. They say that God never gives you more than you can't handle. I have to remind myself of that daily! I know how hard it was for me when Sawyer was deathly ill and I prayed an prayed that he would get better and also felt helpless. Helpless for one because we at first didn't know what was wrong with him and helpless to my older son which was only about 2 1/2yr and spending so much time visiting his brother at the hospital. I felt like a bad mother and I'd pretty much do or give anything to make everyone happy and healthy. Now this woman lost her son and no I don't know if she has any other children but I'm thinking not (I may be wrong). What do you say to someone like this. I could only think of hugging her. My words never, never come out right! You can't fix it but you can hold her and pray that eventually her pain will become a little less or should I say live-able?!?! I got back on her blog today to try and find out why her son passed away and it was because of some kind of heart problem. I read a post about how she picked up his death certificate and how they gave her five copies and she only had two of his birth certificate. I cried! I cried so hard that my heart ached. I read her words and it is how I feel about watching my son's do the things they do. I relate and I hurt! I pray that I never have to endure the pain of having a child die before myself and I pray that God will give them some kind of peace over losing their son. We still haven't even gotten around to getting our son's birth certificates. Tomorrow is pay day.....I'm getting six of each!

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