Monday, March 16, 2009

A little bit about me and believe it when I tell I still say "Oh! God why me!"

Hang on ya'll you are in for a roller coaster of a ride if you are going to read this! I'm going to start off by telling you a little bit about me. My mom says that I shouldn't share so much on the Internet but to me it's like talking to a total stranger at a park...which she would do! Actually she would talk to anybody and anything and I too would have a full on conversation with a door knob and still say "Hey, door knob thanks!....Same place, same time tomorrow?" That is our gifts and it is our flaws to. I am super loud and have the uncanny ability to get even louder if I'm not the center of attention and all eye's aren't on me! Wait, I need to look up the word "uncanny" before I use it...nah! that would take up to much time so I'm using it anyways! I never think before I speak and sometimes it hurts peoples feelings. My intentions are always good even if they don't seem to be! I have a very low self esteem when it comes to my weight and swore to my self I'd never say to my kids "Does this make mommy look fat?" Because really no child wants to say "Yes, mom you look like a porker!" After I had my first child I slipped right back down to a size five but I also use to smoke 1 1/2 pack a cigarettes a day and managed a restaurant working about 50-60 hours a week. I know alot of you must think that because I worked in a restaurant that I would be able to eat but no you are mistaken big time!! I do complain about my weight but it's usually while I'm holding a sandwich in one hand and five donuts in the other...thus me going to the gym everyday now!! Lastly....I have a ugly bad past of alcohol, drugs, theft, hate, and a TON! TON I tell you! Of stuff I just am not ready to tell anyone unless they needed me or were sitting in front of me. I got through it all and here I am with a wonderful husband, two kids, loving friends, great family and a great church family. I like the line what I been through made me who I am today! I think that is the line EVERYONE uses. But, honestly I wish I could have just gotten here with out all the struggles. I'm not going to lie and tell that I still don't struggle because I do. Here is where the "Oh! God why me?" part comes in. I did and still do occasionally say it. I don't understand why I made the decisions that I made when I was younger (Not that much younger though) and I still don't understand why my child almost could've died from Salmonella at 11 weeks old. I don't understand why at 9 months he's still not right and we will be heading to Shands hospital soon. I don't understand why it seems when we almost have an extra dime in our pocket something huge like are car breaks and we are broke again. I say why me Lord for alot. Here where it hurts! I say why me alot and then there are people like little Joshua (my friends, friend son) that is 2 1/2 years old and has stage four liver cancer and is struggling to live and his mother is such an amazing believer and loves the Lord and believes he is going to be healed! She doesn't say why me or why us! A good friend or should I say customer (regular) of Brent and I's (Brent use to manage a restaurant where we use to live to) a few days ago was walking across the street and was hit by a car that then drove away and then he was hit by three more cars and this was the day after his 70th birthday. It was 7:00am in the morning! Here's the reason why I wrote this. Someone has contacted me and asked me if I had remembered him from the 9th grade and I do. I remember that I considered him a friend and I remember he was quiet. I remember he wasn't to tall and I remember him having great reddish/ brown hair. I skipped school with him one day and we walked ALL the way to his house just to turn around and go back to the school again....he lived a ways away or atleast it felt like it! After he contacted me he said "It's okay if you don't remember me" But it sounded a little sad. Why would I not remember you...of course I do! I have a great memory and I think about everyone that passed through my life. A few days later I received a letter (e-mail) saying I need to be honest and up front with you and he explained a life of drugs, pain, prison and self hate. I wonder if he think I'd be floored but I wasn't. We could probably "play the one up you game" but we won't. I was happy for a second for his honesty and happy that it's been about a billion years and he started his conversation with that! Then I was sad because he sounds so unsure about himself and sounds like he needs something in his life. You and I know what he needs but does he??? I wonder? Being a woman and a married one at that....I can't really tell him the good news of how the Lord forgives all! That nothing is to big to forgive. This is the one that blows me away..Here we go...That a lie and murder are judged the same (I'm not saying he murdered someone you all) I'm just saying that one is not greater then the other. He forgives all! He forgives everything! He is truly amazing! I don't think or I should say that I'm not sure if he is a Christian or gave himself to the Lord. But, I do know that he mentioned that he's not even sure himself if he could stay clean. I just want to say one more thing that I mentioned last night at fellowship group. Isn't it strange that we can love our mom's for carrying us around for 9 months in their belly but we are to scared or just plain don't want to LOVE this amazing GOD that made us that gave us that Mom that loves us! We are always looking for love and here is God with open arms saying "Bring it!" and "I got the best bear hugs ever!" and "Yes, it doesn't matter I still love you and forgive you and let's hug it on out!!!!" Why would it be so hard to love a God that loves you! Anywho, I know this is long and I'd like to add that I have added this person to our prayers chain at church. I have yet to write him back and I have also asked for guidance for what to say. Maybe I'm not suppose to say anything at all. Unfortunately, I can't do that! I love you for the person you are and for the person I remember. One thing that I'd like to add is that I think you were sad back then and I'm sorry that I wasn't more of a friend..."Oh! Why me God" Why couldn't I have been a better friend!


  1. Gina, I think those of us that have made horribly bad decisions in our lives have much different path with God than those who walk with him from the beginning. I am including myself in that-of course! I think everyday how the decisions I made 5 years ago are still impacting me today-in good and bad ways. It is hard to for me sometimes to wrap my mind around the fact that my bad decisions with alcohol and men (and low self esteem) are part of his plan.

    Then I look at my beautiful children and realize that I would be walking around in the world irresponsibly if it hadn't been for them. How do you even measure that??? You can't.

    I had a hard time trusting God in the beginning. I know that this is a stumbling block for many new Christians. I over-think it all-even sometimes now. But I have a family of God, a community of God, and a solace in Him alone that I can lean on when I feel vunerable. I cannot imagine how I even coped before.

    I applaud you for so openly telling your story. I'm aching to tell mine, and yet I still struggle with how to begin. As for your friend, maybe you weren't supposed to be a better friend until now. The best advice you can give him will be from your Christian perspective, and pray for God to lead you in your words.

    And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them.
    Isaiah 42:16

  2. Oh the beauty of the Cross. Gina. It was not there to make us happy. It was not there to make us rich. It was not there to make us good friends or make us famous. It's purpose was not to give us healthy children or debtless marriages. It was there to fulfill a promise. And as I see moms suffer. Children die. marriages fail. I see it more and's not about US.

    O that we can glorify God and God alone.

    I may live my life and never know true pain.

    I may start to live the life of Job tomorrow.

    And God is still good.

    Because the Creator is greater than the creation.

    And yet...He wants to hear our cry. He wants to give us peace. He wants to give us Victory. And He is willing that none should parish.

    excuse the spelling...

    We humble ourselves and say thank you God for using us in spite of ourselves. And we reach out with our own healed-hurt and be a part of healing others. Because it is not about us.

    One of the saddest and most precious passages to me is when John was sent to prison. (Now Jesus knew he was there, and still did not come. He continued his ministry) And John sent word to Jesus (Matt. 11:3) and told them to ask Jesus "Are you the One, or should we look for another?'.(are you really who you say you are?) He was not being a smart butt. He truly was looking for him to come and rescue him. then this is what Jesus told the Desciples to tell him:

    v. 5 The blind receive their sight, and the lame walk, the lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, and the poor have the gospel preached to them.

    (Here is the best part, v.6)-

    And blessed is he, whosoever shall not be offended in me."

    His words were full of hope and love and encouragement..just hold on John. but then..we know that John was beheaded...all for the glory of God. John was Christ' beloved. And he was killed.

    I am saying this, because heartache is not an idication that you are loved less, blessed less or more expendable to God. All of us are here to bring Glory to him. So to do this well, we have each other, to pray and encourage each other. To keep each other accountable. adn to love each other through these days that no one wants to live through.

    What a great God to give us the Body of Christ.

    And what a great God to give me...


  3. You guys Rock! Really Tammy did you even have to question if you offended me! I love you! Ya butt!